"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
