are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
