You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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