my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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