Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
operation harelip BJ is a go
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
