i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
