yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Randomize
