I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
