she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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