I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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