i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
