Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
