Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
