his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
