You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You are the jesus of drinking
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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