the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
