Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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