I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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