the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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