if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
