I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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