i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
