im six kinds of drunk right now
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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