you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
