Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
