Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
