I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
