"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
