I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
