OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
