I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
