I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
