i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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