Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
