My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
