I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
