My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
