if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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