my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
tonight lets celebrate not being married
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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