I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
