I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
