im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
