Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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