What a fucking waste of an outfit
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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