Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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