How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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