Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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