all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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