is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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