You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
