my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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