I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
